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to Panacea and you might be answered! We want to wipe that frown off
your face. Remember, all askers remain anonymous. Just drop your
question into our mailbox, or write to us at salford.psy.hk@gmail.com.
The Goddess awaits your worries and woes.
Kristen Pereira
Dear Panacea,
I am a basketball coach. I work with kids between the ages of 4- 8. We have classes twice a week, on a Tuesday and Saturday. I’m concerned about a 4-year-old kid at work. He’s actually brilliant. He gets all the skills right, and shows off too. But on a Saturday morning when we invite the parents, his performance quickly deteriorates. His dad obviously doesn’t believe me when I tell him that his kid is making very good progress. I’ve also noticed that on a weekday, the kid would always come to me for help, whereas in the presence of his father, he suddenly forgets the skills and runs directly to his father saying “Daddy, it’s too difficult!”. This situation is definitely strange. He’s only 4-year-old, but I’d really like to show his dad that he is a really good player. Please help.
I am a basketball coach. I work with kids between the ages of 4- 8. We have classes twice a week, on a Tuesday and Saturday. I’m concerned about a 4-year-old kid at work. He’s actually brilliant. He gets all the skills right, and shows off too. But on a Saturday morning when we invite the parents, his performance quickly deteriorates. His dad obviously doesn’t believe me when I tell him that his kid is making very good progress. I’ve also noticed that on a weekday, the kid would always come to me for help, whereas in the presence of his father, he suddenly forgets the skills and runs directly to his father saying “Daddy, it’s too difficult!”. This situation is definitely strange. He’s only 4-year-old, but I’d really like to show his dad that he is a really good player. Please help.
-Weekend Worries
Dear Weekend Worries,
I believe you. Your kid, as you say, might be brilliant. Here’s what you can do. Try to find out a little more about him, or have a friendly chat with his father. If he demands proof, with his permission, video tape his son’s performance for one or two weekday lessons. This will help to prove that you’re not lying. But of course get the dad’s permission first.
I believe the child just wants some attention. As you explained, he runs to the dad first, even though he knows you are the coach and listens to you on a weekday. My theory is that he is not receiving enough attention at home, maybe because his father works too much, or because he’s a single father. The child pretends not to know anything to get his father’s attention. If you can establish this at is the problem at both home, his school and with you, then you can actually get somewhere.
It’s good you are taking good initiative, and good observation skills. You’re a great coach. But remember, don’t get in over your head because it is eventually, up to the parents of the child. Offer suggestions, don’t try to fix their problems. This will help you stay professional and out of trouble.
_____________________________________________________________I believe you. Your kid, as you say, might be brilliant. Here’s what you can do. Try to find out a little more about him, or have a friendly chat with his father. If he demands proof, with his permission, video tape his son’s performance for one or two weekday lessons. This will help to prove that you’re not lying. But of course get the dad’s permission first.
I believe the child just wants some attention. As you explained, he runs to the dad first, even though he knows you are the coach and listens to you on a weekday. My theory is that he is not receiving enough attention at home, maybe because his father works too much, or because he’s a single father. The child pretends not to know anything to get his father’s attention. If you can establish this at is the problem at both home, his school and with you, then you can actually get somewhere.
It’s good you are taking good initiative, and good observation skills. You’re a great coach. But remember, don’t get in over your head because it is eventually, up to the parents of the child. Offer suggestions, don’t try to fix their problems. This will help you stay professional and out of trouble.
Dear Panacea,
I’ve always had a bad relationship with my mother. Recently though, after the advice of friends and family, we’ve decided to resolve this like mature adults. We take regular spa trips, just by ourselves. We chat, we shop, we listen, or try our best anyway. I’ve always felt hatred from my mother, when she obviously denies it. She was never at home while I grew up. I took care of my younger brother because I felt she was too busy to do it herself. I’ve forgiven her though. But I’ve always resented her from being too strict. She never let me go out with my friends, or stay up too late. She even controlled everything that went on my plate as well as what I was doing throughout the day and where I was through regular phone calls. I would be punished if I forgot to call her. That was till I was about 17 years old. It’s a little better now. And we’ve talked about everything and I have tried to be as honest as I can. However the problem is that whenever I tell my mom what exactly she did wrong and how she controlled me too much, she simply said she never did. I’m starting to realize that she’s telling the truth, she never did tell me most rules I thought she did. I just want to know why I would make these rules up myself. It would give me a little closure and help me trust my mom more. Thank you.
-Rooster Rules
Dear Rooster Rules,
The causes are deeper than you can imagine. I’m talking about your raw personality. Have you ever heard of the id, ego and superego? I can’t explain them all but you can readily find information if you search. Basically, the superego is the voice in your head that tells you what is wrong and what is right. It isn’t present when you’re born but is shaped by your life experiences, especially during your childhood by your parents and caregivers. What I’m assuming has happened is that your mother’s voice has become the voice of your superego. She might have been strict when you were little, as you’ve said she wasn’t around much so presumably she wanted you to be a good girl while she was away. You’ve carried this voice with you as you’ve grown up and made it your own, taking it to your own extremes. So even if your mother did not warn you to be good, you’ve created rules for yourself, causing yourself anxiety and hatred towards your mother. It’s good to hear that you’ve forgiven her, and I’m happy to offer some closure. Of course this problem is too deep to solve and explain in one paragraph from me. Why don’t you and your mom see a counselor together? It would really help you strengthen your relationship. I wish you luck and admire your boldness in writing to me. Good luck.
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